Falling
by Escagurlie
Summary: well this is my sad story I've written in celebration of coming out of summer hibernation in which I was too busy to write anything...and too lazy. Yippy skippy its sad. SLASH WARNING! Shinji/Kaworu


My Favorite Chords  
  
  
Disclaimer: hey I don't own the characters in this fic nor the song lyrics.  
  
A/N: Hey hey hey its me, back from my hibernation. I know I know I haven't written anything forever, but I've been busy, okay?  
At this point when I'm writing this author's note, I dunno who its gunna be about....hmmm...its a songfic....oh and the song is the title of this story and its by the Weakerthans. Now....hu.....well this is gunna be an internal dia fic featuring umm....let's say...oh damn...Shinji Ikari and his thoughts on Kaworu Nagisa. Yay. I'm such I shipper of that pair I'm surprised I haven't written like 20 million fanfics about them.  
  
**= lyrics  
  
  
  
*They're tearing streets again.  
They're building a new hotel.  
The mayor's out killing kids  
to keep taxes down.*  
  
I sit on a chair, idly drumming my fingers on the window sill as I watch the busy world flash by on this warm summer day. The people on the streets below have their busy lives but they're so unaware of what really happens. I am. I'm so aware its painful. I sit here alone with no one who cares enough to stop me from hurling myself out the window. But I can't do that. I'm too much of a coward. I wouldn't have the guts to end it all.   
  
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had refused to come to Tokyo 3. Refused to meet my father again. perhaps it would have been wise, a smart thing to do seeing as all the pain it has caused me has torn my being into two. The part that sits here hating its very exitance...and the part that died the night you left me. I'm like a half empty shell; you were my other half.  
  
*And me and my anger sit  
folding a paper bird  
letting the curtains turn  
to beating wings.*  
  
Since you died I've been going crazy. My head is so empty....my heart so empty that I think it will burst. You have no idea what its like when you're never allowed to be alone because your guilt is like another person, eating away at you until you finally break under its administrations. There is nothing left in my life but the pain of old and new scares, re-opened constantly and never left to heal.  
  
I hate it so much. Not being able to get out of my own head. Not having the courage leave. To tell my father no. To abandone this all and live my life how I want. To let myself heal. To find someone who loves me and can help me to rebuild and heal myself. I am a coward. I can't do anything I dream about doing because I'm too scared, too afraid. I have reverted into a shell, a mask and I won't talk to anyone. I find joy in so little things now. When I was still a child, finding a beetle scuttling along the sidewalk would be the highlight of my day. Now, there's almost nothing. Music, sunsets, the lake, standing in the crowded street watching the world fly away. Simple things. But they hold the world to me. They all remind me of you, for some sad reason.   
  
*Wish I had a socket-set  
to dismantle this morning.  
Just one pair of clean socks  
and a photo of you.*  
  
I thought, when I found you, that I had found a person who finally loved me plain and simple, someone I would spend forever with, someone who, in being with me for five minutes, knew every secret to my soul. It was special. It was magic. It was the happiest time in my entire life. I dwell on the few days we spent together as if it were my only life line. In a way, I guess, it is. I obsess over them. Its all I can think of. I know it isn't healthy, but its what's keeping me existing in this world.   
  
I can never forgive myself for what I did. You asked, you begged, but I loved you. You asked me to kill you...and I did. But it was you who should have survived. You were worth twenty of me. And now I'll have to live with the guilt. I haven't talked to anyone since you died. Days. Weeks. Months more likely. I don't know anymore. Time seems so meaningless now.   
  
*When you get off work tonight,  
meet me at the construction site.  
And we'll write some notes to tape  
to the heavy machines*  
  
I have crystallized our time together in my head. Its like watching a movie over and over. But its my favorite movie. You had the most charming, beautiful smile imaginable. I remember you, sitting on those rocks by the lake, humming. you told me, 'A song is nice,'. You never got to hear me play my cello. You would have liked it. Its one of the few things I cherish. I can sit for hours and play. The feel of running the bow over the strings fluidly is so familiar to me. If my life isn't as it is, I would pursue music. I would join an orchestra. I would play for the world to hear. I would play for you. You loved music.  
  
You seemed like you knew the secrets of the world. It marvelled me how you moved, acted and spoke. So graceful and philisophical. Certainly beyond your years. How you loved me of all people is a mystery to me still. You talked to everyone in a manner that was almost unnerving. It was wonderful, I think. It unhinged the most secure people. I should have known something was wrong. Deep down inside, I think I knew your time with us wouldn't last...  
  
*Like "We hope they treat you well."  
"Hope you don't work too hard."  
"We hope you get to be   
happy sometimes."*  
  
They don't understand what's going on. They just think i'm angry and sad and will get over it. Misato seems to worry. If anyone cares for me remotely, its her. I can see her like there's nothing hiding her thoughts. She's terrified and depressed. But Misato has always been able to hide things behind her flambouyant exterior. I can't really. I've always been the insecure boy who has father issues. I have never built up anything to hide behind.  
  
Father doesn't care. He never cared. He will never care. My family is non-existant. No one else is there to care much. Sure they worry but no one really cares; not really. I would have myself killed before they would care and the only reason they would is becuse they would have to find another pilot. Father wouldn't even blink...  
  
*And bring your swiss army knife  
and a bottle of something.  
And I'll bring some spraypaint  
and a new deck of cards.*  
  
On the days when there's nothing going on, when I sit here in this room, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I always start wondering. Wondering aboutifi there will ever be a day when there will be no more Angel attacks...when I can have a life of my own...when I will find my place in the world...  
  
I like to fantasize about what my life would be like if I had not these obligations. I would take long walks every day, I would have a scoop of ice cream at the little cafe by the lake and then walk along the beach. I would join an orchestra. I would have friends to laugh and talk with, and I would go to school and participate in outings and teams. I would go home at night and read in the comfy armchair in the living room and the biggest problem I would have is not having my math homework done for the next day. I'd have my own room with my own things like posters, pictures, little bits and pieces, my own bed, my own belongings.  
  
*Hey I found the safest place  
to keep all our tenderness.  
Keep all those bad ideas.  
Keep all our hope.*  
  
I also wonder what it would be like to have my mother alive... I barely remember anything about her. I didn't know what to do when father took me to her grave for the first time. But she's dead...that's why piloting my EVA is frightening. Her soul is right next to mine, and I can almost feel her hand rest ontop of mine, her finger brush away my tears. More than once I have reached out to touch her to find othing more than the feeling of the liquid that encases me inside the cockpit. I can hear her whisper to me sometimes...  
  
So many of my daydreams this past while have been of what life would have been like with you. What would have happened if you had never died...if you had been allowed to stay...if I hadn't killed you.  
  
*Its here in the smallest bones.  
The feet and the inner ear.  
Its such an enourmous thing  
to walk and to listen.*  
  
I can picture clearly what our life would have been like, waking up to your bright smile each morning, spending lazy days just in bed, talking. You accompanying on my walks through busy streets. I would never have to look at happy couples walking down the street hand in hand, talking quietly and smiling at the simple joy of having someone you love be with you. I'd have my own special someone. You'd find and instrument to play and learn it and we would play together. We would make music like none other on the planet, just us. Life would be wonderful.   
  
*And I'd like to fall asleep  
to the beat of you breathing.  
In a room near a truckstop  
on a highway somewhere.*  
  
We could grow old together. We would. Our lives would be happy because of each other. Each day would be a blessing because when you were around I finally had something to be thankful for. A lifetime with you would be pure ectasy and I would be thankful for every passing second of it  
  
But I'll never have that. Dreams are only dreams. Mirrors of the things we want, fear, need and think about most deeply. Dreams like mine will never come true no matter what. Angels can not come back from heaven and you are an angel of the highest degree...a real angel. You were an instrument of destruction...but you were still human. You could feel, you could think...you could love. And you said you loved me. I still believe that and I always will.  
  
*Well you are a radio.  
You are an open door.  
I am a faulty string  
of blue christmas lights.  
You swim through frequencies.  
You let that stranger in.  
Cause I'm blinking off and on  
and off again.*  
  
You made me happier than I could have imagined to be. You were my breath of air as I was drowning in a world of bleakness that I had no place in except as a weapon. I was choking on my life...but you came and that smile of yours lead me back. Everything you did and said inspired and amazed me. You couldn't possibly be human, I knew. But I loved you all the same. I have never talked to anyone like I was able to talk to you. It was if you broke a dam in me and sent my hate, pain, hurt, and guilt splashing all around me.   
  
I had been afraid of this for so long that it would hurt so much that I would die. But when you came I couldn't help it. You were so easy to talk to. And I found that because you loved me, it didn't hurt at all. It was more like taking a deep breath of clean air after living in a smoky room for months. I felt purged and fresh.  
  
*We got a lot of time  
or maybe we don't.  
But I'd like to think so.  
So let me pretend.*  
  
We had so little time together. I had just started to find myself again. You had just began to help me. There was so much more to do. So much more to be rid of. We had chipped away the surface, and delved into the deep but there was more. And now I will never be rid of it. Never. Because you were the only one that could help and now your gone. Gone all because of me. It was me who should have gone  
guilt is eating away at my very being. I cannot forgive myself for what I did. I took your life indtead of sacrificing mine. It was selfish. I can't live with what I've done. I loved you...and I killed you.  
  
*Well these are my faveorite chords.  
I know you like them too.  
When I get a new guitar,  
you could have this one.*  
  
I'm tired. Tired in my mind, body and soul. I still sit here, at the window sill and its getting dark. The sun is setting. It casts a bloddy orange red light across the city and illuminates the lake. Where I met you. Its such a similar evening to that night. My life has no meaning anymore. I wish I could go to sleep with you there, the soft wings of my angel folded around us, and never wake up. So that I could be with you always. But I know that can't happen. It won't no matter how I wish and pray. Death gives me courage.   
  
I stand slowly up from my chair and open the large window. The warm summer breeze softly caresses my face and it smells of sakura blossoms. I lean forward. The height of my room makes my stomach go wild with butterflies. But I have the courage. I will see you soon.   
  
And now I'm falling falling   
falling  
  
falling  
  
falling   
  
  
falling.  
  
*And sing me a lullabye.  
Sing me the alphabet.  
Sing me a story I,   
haven't heard yet.*  
  
  
  
  
  
Fin 


End file.
